What can I do?
What can I do when my head gets blurred by thoughts that can't lead anywhere except into nightmares?
The last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about in the morning. What can I do to stop it?
What can I do when everything I do reminds me of it? Where can I go when every place I'm in reminds me of it?
When the sun is up it should cast a shadow on everything that I'm about, but it won't.
When the sun is down it should be so dark that everything that I'm about lies hidden in the dark, but it's not.
When the wind blows it should blow my soul so far away that I can't feel a thing anymore, but I can still feel.
When the ground opens up it should swallow me and bury me deep down inside.
When the sky crashes down it should take me with it up again, so that I can't see what's down here anymore.
If one of all these things occured, it would help me in a million ways.
Sometimes I let my mind wander away, and inside my head I see all the things I want, and I'm happy for once, truly happy. Not the kind of happiness that you felt when you were young, when a fat, funny-looking bird made you laugh and feel happy for the rest of the day. Or when you pulled your finger through an ant-stream, causing the ants to walk in blindness all over the road. Or when the evil kid that used to laugh at you would wet his pants in front of the whole class, no, nothing like it.
The happiness I talk about is stronger than that, stronger than it all combined.
The kind of happiness that can make you live with nothing else but its warm security for the rest of your life.
The ultimate happiness.
The last thing I think about at night, and the first thing I think about in the morning. What can I do to stop it?
What can I do when everything I do reminds me of it? Where can I go when every place I'm in reminds me of it?
When the sun is up it should cast a shadow on everything that I'm about, but it won't.
When the sun is down it should be so dark that everything that I'm about lies hidden in the dark, but it's not.
When the wind blows it should blow my soul so far away that I can't feel a thing anymore, but I can still feel.
When the ground opens up it should swallow me and bury me deep down inside.
When the sky crashes down it should take me with it up again, so that I can't see what's down here anymore.
If one of all these things occured, it would help me in a million ways.
Sometimes I let my mind wander away, and inside my head I see all the things I want, and I'm happy for once, truly happy. Not the kind of happiness that you felt when you were young, when a fat, funny-looking bird made you laugh and feel happy for the rest of the day. Or when you pulled your finger through an ant-stream, causing the ants to walk in blindness all over the road. Or when the evil kid that used to laugh at you would wet his pants in front of the whole class, no, nothing like it.
The happiness I talk about is stronger than that, stronger than it all combined.
The kind of happiness that can make you live with nothing else but its warm security for the rest of your life.
The ultimate happiness.
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